Monday, January 3, 2011


So this blogfest is called Show Me Yours.

It's a thing where you post part of your NaNo novel. And I usually wouldn't do that, but why not? I'm feeling WHIMSICAL today. Except that sounds weird. So, five hundred words or less. I think I can do that.

I do believe I'll be doing my favorite part, which also happens to be the most polished part. Which isn't really saying much.

A little background on the novel. The characters are Quintille and Chemile (and Ion makes a small appearance at the very beginning). Quintille's the president of (City) Two's son. Chemile is a friend. They live on a flying city, and this is when two of the five flying cities are docking to trade people and technology. Some of the people being traded are most of my main characters. Chemile's girlfriend fell off of the side of the dock. Obviously he's all freaky-outy and thinks it's his fault. I hope that makes sense.

The safety wasn't there. Her foot slipped off of the edge and she fell down, towards the Earth, without a safe-parachute to catch her. Without him to lean forward in time to catch her.
Chemile began screaming. "I thought you said there was a safety!" he ran down the center of the dock, back toward Two.
"I guess there was some sort of mistake, sir." The woman who was calling names spoke without emotion, like a robot.
"Didn't you see that? She fell off the edge! She's dead."
"I'm sorry. I will check with our servers and get the safeties back up. I don't know what happened. But she was unauthorized to be on there. She would have been detained anyway, had she not fallen."
There was another 'vrrrrmmm' sound and the safety started back up.
"Now if you'll cross over to Five, please."
He didn't move.
"Sir. Please."
Chemile walked slowly over to Five and he went straight to his room, as soon as he found his way around. He still had no idea who his roommate was. He collapsed on one of the beds.
When it was finally Quintille's turn to go across, he walked down the middle, afraid that the safeties would fail again. He, like Chemile, went to his room without stopping to see the city. Quintille sat down next to Chemile and hugged him until he stopped crying.
There had been warnings that they were going to undock. The room flashed red and there were warnings similar to the warnings that were on Two. "We will be undocking in an hour. Please prepare yourself accordingly." This time, instead of Quintille's father, it was the president of Five's voice. A woman's voice. She sounded nice. Quintille wondered what her name was while he sat there with Chemile.
Every once in a while they would have a three sentence conversation.
"Are you okay?" Quintille would ask.
Quintille would go back sitting next to him, hugging him, or holding his hand while he cried. He watched the clock on the wall and when it was time for them to eat, he ignored the hungry feeling in his stomach. He didn't know if the room would fetch them food and he didn't want to leave Chemile. The conversation stayed to three sentences, but gradually progressed.
"Are you okay?"
"I don't know," Chemile paused. "Maybe."
The room flashed red and the warning sounded. "We will be undocking in five minutes. Please prepare yourself accordingly." Quintille wondered why he had missed the other warnings. Or were there not other warnings?
After they undocked, Quintille nearly fell off the bed. They had another simple conversation.
"Are you okay?
"I think so."
"Do you want food?"

I think the font color might be a little weird, and if it is, I don't know how to fix it.  Also, I can't stop it from indenting. This is weird. Anyway, that's what I have. Comments?


Jessica Lei said...

I definitely think the premise is interesting. Some extra bits of world building could've been woven in here so I could catch on quicker! But then again, this is probably in the middle somewhere, when I'd probably know all I needed anyway :D

Thanks for sharing!

Ellie said...

I'm intrigued by your story and I love the idea of flying cities. I'd like to read before and after this scene!

Sarah Ahiers (Falen) said...

oh man, flying cities are AWESOME! I love the idea of them docking togther to trade goods and people. i would totally read this based on the premise alone.
Great job!

Rebecca T. said...

I too really like the premise. Are the flying cities all that are left? Or is it on another planet? This raises a lot of interesting questions, Thanks for joining! :)

Hannah Kincade said...

Copying to blogger is strange. It always screws things up. I like the excerpt though! Flying cities? Win. Thank you for participating in our first joint blogfest! Yay!

Anonymous said...

Hmm... interesting excerpt. There are a few little grammar issues, but also - Chemile's reaction actually seems kind of tame, for someone who just witnessed the sudden accidental death of a person he cared about. If nothing else I'd expect a little anger towards Quintile - "No, of course I'm not okay, you idiot. She's dead. How can that ever possibly be okay?"
I'm also curious about this 'trading people' stuff - are they being bought and sold like property, or is it a bit like a permanent student exchange, an institutional arrangement to make sure that the populations don't get too inbred or distribute useful specialty skills?

Thanks for participating and good luck if you continue polishing!